March 06, 2006

Guys, Listen Up...

Gentlemen, let me explain something to you. If you work in a cubicle, you need to understand something about those walls. Cubicle walls were designed so that I won't have to look across my desk and see your finger up your big, hairy nose. And they also come in handy so you won't have to see me picking the wedgie from my butt-crack. (Another example of me stating the obvious; where else would a wedgie be?) Cubicle walls are there to fool you into thinking you have a teensy bit of privacy. But hey, even I know that a girl can't always reach up under her blouse to make a wardrobe adjustment without a tall neighbor peeking over, or a gawker walking by the opening to see in the "door". So they're not even perfect for blocking out visuals. Now here's where the lesson comes in, so please... pay attention, guys. Cubicle walls are not soundproof. I can hear every breath you take, every fart you make. Seriously. Cut out the farts. Especially the ones where you let out a little happy sigh afterwards. Cut out the farts or someone will have to die. Don't try hiding it with a fake cough. Or following it by making a loud raspberry noise with your mouth trying to fool me into thinking that was the first sound I heard, too. I'm serious. Stop farting at work. Walk down the hall to the restroom, or hold it in all day like I do.


Blogger Lis said...

Reminds me of some of the unusual noises I heard coming from "behind the curtain" while visiting my mom at the hospital.

Cubicle walls and hospital curtains are NOT soundproof, and singing, coughing, and raspberries are like announcing what is coming up (or out) next!

6:55 PM  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Just the thought of working in a cubicle farm sends cold chills up my spine. The only thing worse would be (horrors) retail! Give me a soundproof studio anyday.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

If they hold all those in, they might blow up. Maybe that's how spontaneous combustion happens. We just solved a mystery!
You could leave a package of GasX on the desks of the offending parties.

11:12 PM  
Blogger Karlos said...

LOL. Cubicle farms....yuck! Funny post Ivy. :-)

2:36 AM  
Blogger Peter said...

Hivy, I've never had the joy of cubicling, butthe thought of all the possibilities is daunting, I can't get the image of someone circling the room like a quickly deflating baloon!!!
Congrats on no WV, hope it works.

3:00 AM  
Blogger MarkD60 said...

Another place people think they are alone is in their cars. I've seen some fingers way up some noses on the road!

I want to watch you pick your wedgie out of your butt crack!

3:30 AM  
Blogger Jona said...

Like Mark, I'm going to say, don't you watch people in cars? I swear they forget you can see through glass ;o)

As for the farting, my eldest seems to have a problem at the moment, that or he thinks it clever to walk up and fart next to you!

(Have also been reading about your bird/rabbit/cat sagas, awww, you're a softhearted sweetheart Ivy :o))

5:37 AM  
Blogger bornfool said...

You should write a book on cubicle etiquette.

7:49 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Bwahahahahaha! It's posts like this that remind me just how good it is to be a SAHM. :)

12:46 PM  
Blogger actonbell said...

Funny post! And good point--women don't do that, guys could do much better, darnit.

5:39 PM  
Blogger LZ Blogger said...

I do go down that hall when I need to make strange noises! But the guy who sits close to me could care less. I used to say to him, "Are you OK over there?" But now he just things I'm trying to be funny! Guess what? I'm NOT! ~ jb///

5:46 PM  
Blogger Dorothy said... tell it like it is, girl! Hey, never told you, I love your background. Where is this supposed to be anyway? Colorado?

6:10 PM  
Blogger Hale McKay said...

Cubicle walls do not make for privacy when someone is talking to their dog at home through the answering machine. The details of what they did with the "other person" last night at a motel is not something you like to hear either - especially if you know their wife.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous TC said...

*every breath you take...every fart you make*

Wasn't that a big hit for The Police? :D

4:16 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

I love it when a post makes me laugh. You rock, Ivy.

3:16 PM  
Blogger FTS said...

Take a can of Lysol to work. Every time you hear them cut the cheese, stand up over the wall and give them a good dousing with the disinfectant.

3:42 PM  
Blogger Da Gal said...

Oh Ivy I am going to look in my "funny" email box tomorrow and see if I saved this mini movie about a guy who farts in his cubicle so much that the management team seals him in his cube... the enclose the entire thing and he gasses himself to death and floats to the heavens to a cubicle in the sky. It's the best!

8:05 PM  
Blogger Knows It All said...

Or he could adjust his diet that could make his a little less nuclear.

Or he could train to be a a silent farter, since I think that's possible.

Seriously, I think next time it happens, you should say,

"Oh my goodness. Are you feeling alright? Maybe you should ask your doctor for advice with that?"

6:07 AM  
Blogger poopie said...

Thank the lord I don't have a cube. My workplace is WIDE open with farts floatin' around freely. Hoss will love your butt crack reference!

9:55 AM  
Blogger Marti said...

Husband tells me that many at his cube farm have a candy dish on their desk - perhaps you could fill yours with Bean-O. Or leave "anonymous" gifts of the tablets for the offenders.


Thanks for the giggles!

10:09 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

You need your own office!

5:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my sentiments exactly!

12:03 PM  
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5:36 AM  

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