November 05, 2005

Situations In Which I Would Be Dead So Fast It Is Not Even Funny

I watch a little TV now and then, and sometimes even go to the movies. I have observed some situations, mostly in action/adventure films, where I would surely not last very long. I believe that in these instances, I would have to just say, "So long, it's been nice knowing you, I am about to DIE now." Depending, of course, on whether there is enough time or breath for me to speak those last words. Or I could just shorten my final farewell to "AAaaaaaaaaauuhhh!" Following are just a few of the many predicaments that I would likely not survive:

Hanging from a cliff (helicopter, building ledge, etc...) by one hand. Yeah, right. I can't even hold my body weight up with TWO hands. Color me dead.

Trying to pull someone up from the above situation. Yeah, sure. Let me lean out slightly to give you a hand and my body weight will send us both spiraling downward.

Foot chase scenes. It's really hard for me to imagine myself in either of these roles: the chase-er, or the chase-ee, because I would simply give up either way. But just to get my point across, let's say that I HAD to run like these guys on TV. They sprint through traffic, dash through alleys, cut through back yards, run up fire escapes... all at full speed. Heck, I get winded just watching them on screen. I would have pulled a hamstring then fallen down DEAD with a heart attack before I'd taken fourteen steps.

Any type of jumping, whether leaping from building to building across the rooftops in a chase scene, or from one boat onto another, or off of something about to explode. Jumping is just not my thing. I have to think long and hard about jumping at all, and then I always decide: uh-uh. Not gonna happen. So put me in one of those situations where my life depends on it... and I'd be history.

Being held for ransom. I can already hear the laughter. I don't know one friend or family member that would scrape up two bucks for my safe return, much less 2 million.

But most likely I will never find myself in any of those situations in real life. The closest I've come to any of them, so far is; pulling myself up off the floor using the edge of a desk when I fell out of my office chair; chasing after a teenage driver half a block waving a wooden spoon when he peeled out and sped past my house; and jumping over the cat (although that one was technically tripping). As for the ransom... I have yet to be kidnapped. But I'm saving my money just in case.

15 Comments:

Blogger jules said...

Ah, hell, sis. I'd go as high as a buck fifty. After that you're screwed!

10:08 PM  
Blogger Peter said...

C'mon girls, let that sisterly love shine through!! I'd probably chuck in a couple of dollars if it was a pension period.
And if you as a trained marathon runner couldn't cope, how do you think we "lesser mortals" would go?

3:35 AM  
Blogger Matthew said...

Sounds like you watch too much TV. I jest.

3:47 AM  
Blogger poopie said...

I'll throw two bucks into the ransom fund.

6:52 AM  
Blogger Ivy the Goober said...

Thanks, folks. :)
So now I'm covered if the ransom note doesn't ask for more than $5.50

11:05 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

"...technically tripping." Nice jump, Ivy. I knew you could do it.

12:03 PM  
Blogger MarkD60 said...

That's why they invented the words, "bring in the stunt double"!

1:41 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

My arm strength is weak too. I couldn't do a chin up to save my life.
I don't even know you, and I'd be willing to pony up two bucks ransom. Keep that in mind.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Trucker Bob said...

If the rights to your template were involved I could sweeten the pot, otherwise it's Hasta La Vista Baby.

3:53 PM  
Blogger FTS said...

Maybe you should think about that table dance Jules volunteered you for. ;-)

4:17 PM  
Blogger Ishi & Love said...

Well Ivy second visit and I believe you.. You must stay awake all night thinking what to write about tomorrow. GREAT... just F'''ing GREAT..

Guess, I might have been influenced by the fact I just finished the cassette of the "Blair Witch Project" minutes ago. (And now you with this blog!!!)

I can see you doing something great like that... You are asome hun.. Good show... keep going.

GA blog

7:11 PM  
Blogger Sirs_Girl said...

I agree with you on every single thing. Also, ever see an older or romance movie where there's some woman tying sheets together so she can escape from some high point in a housse or castle? I'd wind up ripping the sheets and plummeting to my very painful death. I'd most likely land on a fence as well. There would be no Taran swinging from ropes for me. Save that for the thin people who could spread their arms and glide to safety.

10:59 PM  
Blogger jules said...

Hmmm....you're up to $5.50 now? That's enough for a margarita. Would you like to go for a ride little girl?

2:01 PM  
Blogger jules said...

Oh shit, I just realized $1.50 of that was money I pledged. Crap. Never mind

2:01 PM  
Anonymous Chris Phelan said...

I'm putting this one in the December issue of The Phast Times News. THIS NEW STUFF!
Chris Phelan

5:33 PM  

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