November 11, 2005


FOR SALE: One Ladies Ducati Motorcycle Jacket - Very Beautiful

I'm sure you're wondering, "Why, Ivy? Why would you sell your beloved tri-colored leather jacket that came all the way from Italy and cost a bazillion dollars, and according to number 10 on your list of (almost) 100 things about you, you want to be buried in?" Why? you ask... (I'm just going to keep on pretending you want to know) I'll tell you why:

  1. I could use some cash
  2. It doesn't fit
  3. I sold my motorcycle
  4. I changed my mind about dying someday
  5. and oh, did I mention it doesn't fit?

I had wanted a motorcycle since I was in kindergarten. We lived near a teenager, who my baby brother called "Motorcycle David". Motorcycle David would do wheelies out on our street, and attracted quite a bit of attention with the sound and sight of his bike racing by. Looking back, I am betting the parents in our neighborhood weren't thrilled, but I, for one, thought he was amazing. I finally bought a motorcycle at the age of 41 after enrolling in "Motorcycle Operator Training Program" (required curriculum for a mid-life crisis)

My new motorcycle was SO much fun. I cannot describe what a thrill it was my first time on the freeway when I was passed first on the right by a semi-truck immediately followed by a semi on the left. I know, I know, I should have been passing them! But for that brief moment in the lane between the two of them - better than Six Flags!

There was something about being a motorcyclist that made me feel tough. One day I avoided having to kick some women's butts for getting on my nerves at a PTA meeting. All it took was a dirty look, and a glance down at the motorcycle helmet beside my chair for them to shut up and behave themselves. Try it sometime. If you don't want to actually be a biker, just carry a helmet in with you when you go somewhere, they don't have to know it's a prop.

It turned out that I was not as tough a biker as I thought I was. And not nearly as fearless as I would like for people to believe that I am. I noticed that when I was first learning to drive it and would meet another biker on the road, they always did this cool side wave with their left hand. Yeah, hi guys! Nice to see you, too, but guess what? I'm brand new at this, I'm going 70 M.P.H. and I'm afraid to let go with one hand, OK? Hope you'll understand!

Also turned out that having a motorcycle didn't make me cool. Sigh. I was just a dork on a cool bike. I had no idea there was so much motorcycle etiquette - oh, I had so much to learn! For instance, did you know that you don't "decorate" your bike as I had planned to do? You may "customize" it, or even "dress it up", but never, ever, say you're going to decorate it. And a white helmet was a fashion faux pas. Heck, I started out with a black riding suit and brown boots! People are probably still laughing at me. Maybe that wasn't some secret biker-brotherhood wave I was getting on the road. Maybe they were trying to say "go home and change!" or "don't ride so close to me, I don't want anyone to think I'm with you!"

Then came the day that I ordered that beautiful leather jacket over the Internet. This thing was made in Italy where my motorcycle came from. Even has the bike name and logo embroidered on the collar. It had me worried, though since I couldn't try it on and it only came in S, M, or L. I mean, what if large Italian women are not as big as large American women, I wondered? It finally arrived and I was too fat for it. Yeah, it did zip up, but it seemed like being able to breathe would come in mighty handy out there on the road. But I don't know, I finally decided that if it looked good on me, breathing was not that big of a deal!

I eventually mastered the cool side wave when meeting another motorcyclist on the road. Was it coincidence that I could finally do this, after my purchase of black boots, leather jacket, and a cool red and black helmet? I think not!

I once put this request in writing in the event that I would suddenly die: "When I die, I want to be buried with my motorcycle jacket on (someone, please let it out in back so it doesn't look so tight) and wearing my boxing gloves. And I don't mean to be morbid, but I do not want a calm, serious expression on my face. I want the mortician to fix me up with a great big grin; I want it to look like I'm saying "Wheeeee!"

Then I tried to help a friend of mine come up with a wacky mid-life crisis theme of her own. She rejected my idea of buying a motorcycle saying that she would be dead on day one. Yeah, death does conflict with our goal here. After all, it is my opinion that the key word in 'mid-life crisis' is life!

I was very stingy with my Italian motorcycle, even though most things that I own I share very willingly. One day my husband told me that as he passed by our garage he heard my motorcycle calling to him. He CLAIMED that it was calling out to him, saying "Take me for a ride!" I never even cracked a smile, never offered the key, just went right on doing the dishes and said: "that's impossible, because my bike doesn't speak ENGLISH."

Ah, but alas, now it is history. I have sold the bike. After almost 2 years and over 8,000 crash-free miles (unless you count the time two times I didn't get the kickstand all the way down and it tipped over in the garage) So you see, the jacket is in extremely good shape. Rarely worn, and the few dead bugs are almost completely scraped off.


Blogger Sirs_Girl said...

You have got to be the coolest mom ever.

12:58 AM  
Anonymous Ash's Dad said...

From the "Motorcycle Operator Training Program" at age fifty plus. To the riding gear. To the bikes sale. Been there. Done that. Excluding a couple scary moments it was great fun. I love the way you tell it.

6:44 AM  
Blogger jules said...

You SOLD Monster? You bitch! Now what is Chris gonna do for transportation? You KNOW he was counting on you selling (oops I meant giving) him the bike! :0)

7:09 AM  
Blogger Matthew said...

That's kind of cool that you owned a motorcycle. You do a good job of relating the experience. As fun as it seems, I would be a bit afraid to take a motorcycle out on the roadways.

7:43 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

My husband would love for me to have my own motorcycle. I'd love to ride too but just haven't gotten to the point where I'm not afraid to try it yet. You're my hero.

7:45 AM  
Blogger Huw said...

You'll still wear the boxing glovers, right?

7:49 AM  
Blogger poopie said...

Oh yes..I too would be dead on day one, thereby defeating the whole purpose. I think for my mid-life crisis I'd like to be spoiled to death by a guy with a lot of money!

8:30 AM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Great post. Beautiful jacket.

I've never been brave enough for a motorcycle. But I still want to parasail or parachute once before I die.

9:13 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well count me out. I hate jackets that zip from left to right, like ladies', instead of right to left, like gents', of which I am a leading example. But I used to have a motorcycle, so otherwise I qualify.

10:08 AM  
Blogger FTS said...

Dang, and I have a motorcycle license...

12:58 PM  
Blogger aka_monty said...

Yeah, I don't think other bikers think that it is 'cool' to clothespin playing cards to the rear spokes to make that 'clickety clack' noise. And the pink and purple streamers on the handlebars..that's just gauche.

And as part of my job is deciphering the differences between all those European sizes and American sizes...let's just say that over here we try to make the women feel skinnier. :D

1:50 PM  
Blogger Peter said...

Hi Biker, sorry to hear that you have sold Monster, there were many more entertaining posts left there.
Love the "my bike doesn't speak English" line, guess you told him!!

6:14 PM  
Blogger Mind_of_Me said...

I just bought a chance to win a $43K OCC bike. The drawing is 11/18. Maybe I'll need a jacket next week.

7:00 PM  
Anonymous TSB said...

Coming from Milwaukee, the home of the Harley, it is almost sacreligious that I don't ride. During the 100th anniversary I almost pulled the trigger and bought myself a bike, alas, the mood has passed and I am bikeless. Who knows maybe someday....

9:06 PM  
Blogger Live, Love, Laugh said...

Great Post! I was sent here by FTS, I just posted a pic of my bike on my site this week. Sorry don't need a jacket! lol!

10:36 PM  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

FTS sent me...but not for the jacket ;) Wouldn't fit anyhorsefeather...

12:09 AM  
Blogger Dorothy said...

FTS sent me, too, and that background is just too beautiful for words! Sorry, but I'm too old to start buying motorcycles so I don't need the jacket. But it is beautiful.

5:18 AM  
Blogger Trucker Bob said...

Damn! I finally learned all the words to Born To Be Wild so that I could "head out on the highway" and you go and sell your crotch-rocket. Oh well, Jules and I can still go truckin' in my big ol' Peter-Car.

6:58 AM  
Blogger Windfall Woman said...

FTS sent me too. I love your blog. I'll be back.

7:17 AM  
Blogger phoenix said...

hehehe You are a hoot!! Glad FTS sent me here. I will be back for more!

8:20 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

FTS sent me, congrats on the Spotlight. :-) You've got a great place here.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

I disagree about the "not being cool" part. A woman with the guts to buy a motorcycle and all the cool garb that goes with it, and then not allow her husband to even go for a spin.... that's a mega-cool gal!
I'm too scared to ride one of those.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Krisco said...

This is too funny.

I too had a motorcycle helmet, which duely impressed everyone who saw it, until they saw me wear it to get on my little Honda Spree scooter.

I later bought a Vespa and felt much cooler. Even got those little hand signs from the Harley guys. Haven't tried the real bikes, but love the Vespas.

1:57 PM  
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10:49 PM  

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