November 23, 2005

It's ONLY a Lizard! (Um, Yeah, But So Was Godzilla!)

I don't think I will ever forget the day that my daughter came up to me, clutching the back of her pants just below her right hip. She said "Mom, is this a stick? Can you get it out for me?"

We were at my uncle's place. He has a bunch of land and we were all helping him with various chores. Mallory was probably about eight years old and we had given her, and my son the task of stacking firewood. Now, this isn't the even, pretty, and neat firewood like what you see stacked out in front of Albertson's, this was wood from various trees that my uncle, brother, and husband had cut, so the logs were odd shapes and sizes with twigs all around. This was wilderness firewood, people, not city logs.

My daughter had on these stretchy, wide-legged pants and felt something itchy on her leg. She kept focused on her chore of hauling the wood, until she felt the itch again. She thought that somehow one of these small branches had wound up in her trousers. She asked her brother to look. Both kids had been cautioned to watch for snakes, so when he realized this "stick" was on the inside of her pants, he made a decision that mom should be the one to remove it. Maybe because he was being considerate, and figured I needed something to do. Maybe it was because he knew what would happen, and wanted to have a little fun. Not sure what his reason was, but watch for comments as he usually reads my blog. Anyway, he sent her up the hill to me. Why not their dad? Because he was on the roof helping to construct a huge metal building with my uncle. So up the hill to the house she goes where I am working on something in the kitchen (don't laugh) with my aunt.

Mallory beckoned me to come out and help her with something as she stood just outside the screen door. Still very calm, not knowing that her chicken-shit poo mother was about to have a major screaming breakdown and turn the whole peaceful setting into terror and chaos for everyone nearby.


Now remember, she is clutching the stick from the outside of her pants. Has it wrapped up in a wad and pulled away from her skin. When innocent, unsuspecting mother takes hold of this from the outside, then begins to pull the waistband down to reach in with the other hand to grab it, the stupid stick moved. Instantly my heart stopped, and simultaneously I screamed loud enough to be heard for miles. No longer calm, my daughter bolts to run away from me and this stick. Except I still had a death grip on her pants. She did a belly dive onto the gravel path in front of the house. But do you think that would stop her? No, she scrambled, literally crawling out of her pants and ran down the hill - her screams echoing mine. We still didn't even know what we were screaming about, neither one of us. For some reason (nosy) my husband and uncle are yelling from 20+ feet in the air, on the iron beams of this building repeatedly shouting, "WHAT IS IT?" "WHAT'S HAPPENING?" My son was looking up at them thinking he was going to witness his dad learn to fly, that's how quickly he seemed to want off that building. Now add Auntie's yelling to try to calm everyone down: "It's a lizard! It's just a lizard!" Just a lizard, my ass! This thing was a freaking MONSTER.

Watching Mallory run down the hill in nothing but a shirt, cowboy boots and some Barbie panties wasn't funny at the time, but is now. (sorry, girl but it is) She spent the rest of that weekend with rubber bands cuffed around the legs of her pants at the ankles. And I considered doing the same!

17 Comments:

Blogger mreddie said...

Great post! Massive chuckles! ec

2:56 PM  
Anonymous IamMitch said...

I let you take the "stick" out because I thought it was a snake. I figured you being my all knowing mother you would handle it better than I could.

...I was right.

4:03 PM  
Blogger Peter said...

Hivy, does that really come under the heading of "know how to handle it"?
It did however conjure up some pictures, untidy stacks of wood, dad learning to fly, Ivy "working" in the kitchen, Mallory clutching SOMETHING trapped in her pants, Mallory sans pants and the graceful way she exited them, and last but not least Ivy lighting up the hills with the "sound of Music oops screaming."

5:54 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Wait a minute. This is serious sex education stuff. Have you never heard the phrase "I'm choking my lizard"? See, that gives you the opportunity to explain about hair growing on the palms of hands, and going blind, and all that stuff. But, instead, you just screamed? I should have expected it....

5:56 PM  
Blogger Hale McKay said...

Aw, great story. There's lesson somewhere in there .. Like be careful whose pants you reach into ..?

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Stacy said...

You are far, far braver than I. Just knowing that it might be a snake/lizard/tarantula/etc. would have kept me from even trying to see what was in there. Ugh. On the roof or not, that's what dads are for!

7:49 PM  
Blogger se7en said...

never trust a strange lizard in your pants, at least not until you've been properly introduced!

8)

9:39 PM  
Anonymous TSB said...

Reminds me of how my mother reacted when she saw my brothers releasing an entire jar of Daddy long legs spiders on my back while I was asleep sunbathing on the pier.....most of my brothers are now lacking at least one testicle apiece......I got them back. My mother went on to have 7 open heart surgeries.....

Have a great Thanksgiving Ivy!

12:35 AM  
Blogger Jona said...

I needed a morning giggle - thank you :o)

1:22 AM  
Blogger Trucker Bob said...

I'm with you, funny now, but at the time I'd have been with your husband wanting to do a solo flight off the roof.

Was going to go for humor but Hoss beat me to it. Oh well, being #2 just means I'll have to try harder.

5:28 AM  
Blogger Matthew said...

It wasn't a Gila monster?

6:06 AM  
Anonymous Monique said...

Isn't it funny how these traumatic events turn into such great stories down the road? Classic!

6:45 AM  
Blogger FTS said...

I've always wondered why women think something is accomplished by screaming. Standing there wetting your pants would have just about as much effect.

Oh wait. Maybe you did and forgot to mention that part...

Have a Happy Thanksgiving! :)

6:59 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Leaping lizards! I wish you a lizard-free Thanksgiving. Have a good one. We travelled all day yesterday to spend Thanksgiving with my hubby's family. We will be gorging in about two hours from now. I can hardly wait!

10:40 AM  
Blogger poopie said...

Sheesh...JUST a lizard. I would freakin' die! Happy Thanksgiving girlie.

11:12 AM  
Blogger ShooShoo said...

Hahaha... Great story! :) I actually have my own lizard story I've been meaning to post... Only it involved me actually hunting down and catching the lizard... Mind you this was only a tiny little blue-belly lizard; but I'll have pics and everything if I ever get around to finishing my post! ;)

11:50 PM  
Blogger Da Gal said...

leaping lizards!!! Although I must say after being covered ankles to inner thighs and other unmentionable places with sucking leeches I think I would prefer a lizzard in my pants.
Love the visual of the barbie panties and cowboy boots and tshirt running down the hill. Go Mallory!

7:28 AM  

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