November 03, 2005

Honey, You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man

Very soon, my sister and I will be meeting FTS live and in person. The plan was, however, that I would be single by the time we got together for margaritas and table dances (I hear he does a pretty good one). See, ever since I read his profile and a few of his posts, I thought: "ding, ding, ding, HUSBAND NUMBER 2!!! " (Hoss, dearie, you were my first choice. But you're runnin' outta time to make your pile, hon.)

Picture our lives together, ahhh... It's like a dream:

Every evening, side by side we sit. Each with our own computer, blogging away. Him uncorking that nice bottle of Shiraz and pouring himself a drink into a beautiful stemmed glass. Me unscrewing the cap to my clearance sale jug of Merlot and taking a swig right from the bottle. Mornings are great as he wakes up early and styles my hair to make sure that Ivy will NEVER again have a bad hair day. Each night dining at only the best drive-through places. Him sitting at his computer writing eloquent and intriguing stories. Me sitting beside him scratching my head wondering why spell-check doesn't recognize the word doofus.

Then it happens. We start arguing about whose turn it is to throw away the fast food wrappers. And he complains that I talk all through "LOST". Then I bitch because he chopped off too much hair and I look like sh poo in bangs. Next thing you know I'm stealing his password and leaving nasty comments at all the WOMEN's sites. And he gets mad and starts calling me a "comment who schlut". and then...
MY SISTER moves in for the kill.

But then... in walks
Monty, singing the title song. and Jules and I are totally out of the picture. Ahh, but like I said from the start... it was like a dream.

P.S. Who in the H. E. double toothpicks keeps eating the Halloween candy, then putting the wrapper back in the bucket, fooling me into thinking there's still CHOCOLATE left???


Blogger Peter said...

Hi ???, ah well at least you had the dream, now whoever would have suspected Monty of being the one to undermine your true love? Jules, yes.
Remember there are plenty more fish in the sea, that's if you're lookin' for a fish.

6:12 AM  
Blogger FTS said...

Where was I during this dream...? Do your hair every morning? Are you looking for a husband or a cabana boy? :p

7:38 AM  
Blogger poopie said...

Heheh. I think FTS should marry all of us and do our hair! He does soooooo well with divas ;)

7:40 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

My darling husband does the candy wrapper thing too. It drives me nuts!

9:04 AM  
Blogger Dumber said...

What do you expect us to do with the wrappers? Throw them away? The trash can is wayyyyyyyyyy over there across the room.

Sorry had to take the husband side. lol

9:55 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Nah, you don't want that. You'd have a hairstylist on your hands, and everybody knows they spend all their time at gay bars. Probably just taking notes for their blog, but it doesn't look good...

10:38 AM  
Blogger Jona said...

Even your own mind turns on you and makes it a nightmare!

Know what you mean about imagination and bl*gs though ;o)

11:20 AM  
Blogger jules said...

Dang, i was getting excited out one upping you til you brought up Monty. But hasn't FTS already met Monty in person? I do believe so.
Are you SURE you wanna do this FTS??? Margaritas only make her WORSE! (Don't worry, baby, I'll protect you. ;)

1:51 PM  
Anonymous TSB said...

OMG I think I'm gonna pee all over the halloween wrappers I threw on the floor, I'm laughing so hard I will NEVER make it to the bathroom....Good Lord gurl you have to stop this chit!!!!!!!

9:51 PM  
Anonymous Penny said...

Had to stop by after reading TSB's post ... you are a very funny lady! I'd love to have FTS doing my hair every morning. Isn't that every woman's dream? Now if he could only cook ...

5:31 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

TSB sent me.
Funny post, Ivy!
Thanks for a good chuckle.
I hope you enjoy meeting the FTS man face to face.

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Monique said...

Hilarious! Have fun meeting FTS and do report back on the encounter!

6:23 PM  
Blogger aka_monty said...

I'm glad you came to your senses in time. ;)

I'd hate to give y'all the smackdown. :D

I'm really happy that you & Jules are going to spend some time with the ever fabulous FTS~he's terrific! You'll have the best time ever.
Now, make sure you tell me aaaaaallll about it. Details, girls, details.

And I am the one who put the empty wrappers back in the bucket. *sigh*

7:43 PM  
Blogger karla said...

Sorry, that was me who threw the empty wrappers back in there. To top it off, I didn't even eat the chocolate I unwrapped, I just mashed it up and stuffed it inside your pillowcase. It's still there if you want it.

10:42 AM  
Blogger 365 said...

Hi, came via TSb and had a good chuckle! Will most definately be back :)

4:04 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home