October 26, 2005

No Truth in Advertising Here

OK, the other night I couldn’t sleep because I was feeling so guilty. I had been shamelessly flirting* with a man on the internet. (not really, children, your mommy would NEVER do that – I'm just embellishing this story in a desperate attempt to make it sound more interesting.) Anyway, in the course of the conversation with my next husband this gentleman… it sort of slipped out that my profile picture is, uhhh… a little out of date. Like by about a year. And several hundred pounds. Since I can’t figure out how to get pictures from my daughter’s digital camera onto the PC, you just have to use your imagination. I think if you will hold a picture of Shamu up close to your monitor, right next to my photo… then just stare blankly until your eyes kind of cross and they merge into one. (The pictures, not your eyes) Sort of like those magic eye things in the funny papers. See it yet? Still don’t see it?

Before I gained all this weight I didn’t have much of a chest. Or as my mom would have said, "Not only the president of the itty bitty titty committee, I'm also a member!" If someone by any miracle had ever said to me, "Nice boobs!" I would have replied, "Why thank you, I got them at Target!"

Whenever my husband saw me wearing something that I hadn’t already worn fourteen hundred times, he would say, "Oh, when did you get that shirt?" One day after asking that question about a gray sweater (that was, by the way, already several hours old) he said, "That sweater sure makes your boobs look big." I answered, "No, honey, it’s my padded bra that makes my boobs look big." He then claimed, "Well, that’s false advertising!"

*uh uh, Peter, don’t you call me a jezebel! no no no!


Blogger FTS said...

Is that why you carry spare bras in your purse (referring back to the story below that it fell out at the grocery store)? ;-)

6:29 PM  
Blogger Peter said...

I had never heard of the "itty bittie titty committee" before, and it only took several hundred pounds to elevate you to the titted, seems like a bargain Jez, oops gotta learn how to do that strike through thing.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Ivy the Goober said...

FTS: The bra was from way back when I had an STD. (Sexy Trainer Dude) and get your mind out of the gutter.... it was after a workout and I was in gym clothes.

Peter, they don't have that club in Australia??? If I lose this weight, I'll come over and start one. oh, and FTS taught me how to strike out a word, but it won't allow me to post it here. email me: iversmith@aol.com and I'll tell you. luv ya!

9:17 PM  

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