October 30, 2005

A Marathon is 26.2 Miles, People!

Those of you who already know that a marathon is 26.2 miles are probably thinking, "Duh, I already know that a marathon is 26.2 miles!" But my mother-in-law used to tell people that I was "always running marathons" - almost every weekend, in fact! What she was referring to was the 5K, 10K, 15K, etc... races that I entered. But I only ran ONE marathon in my life. It was the year I turned 40. I'm not really even sure that you could truthfully call what I did running as it took me SIX HOURS AND ONE MINUTE to finish! But what happened to me in the three or four years that I was a "runner" was that I was inspired to write little quips about me and the sport. I've saved them and included some of my collection in this post. Too bad I am too ignorant to figure out how to play some "Chariots of Fire" music for you to listen to while you read them. Oh, by the way, I swiped that photo from the internet. Those are the "front of the pack" girls, whereas I always had the task of tearing down and packing up the finish line after I crossed it.

  • The last few years I have taken a stab at "running". I've entered everything from 5K fun runs to the 26.2-mile marathon. I hope those people that run really fast appreciate me entering their races. I mean, how would they know that they are fast if they didn't have slow people like me to compare themselves to?
  • I hate those race photos they take of me in the running events that I enter. The high-speed film is wasted on me; I always look like I'm standing still. The grimace on my face would make you think it takes a great effort to run that slow. The only proof that I really am moving is that it’s apparent that my boobs are in motion. Obviously I prefer for the photographer to catch them on the "upswing".
  • I hate it when I prove that my brain is not really wired to the rest of my body. My brain thinks it's in charge, but the other body parts just laugh at it and do what they want. Brain makes a simple request of Hands: "Here, can you hold this for a minute?" But Hands just let go and drop the item. Brain tells Legs: "Hey! Pick your knees up, this is a RACE and we just got passed by Hoss * a 90 year old man – on crutches!" but Legs continue to shuffle slowly in defiance. Brain says, "Don't eat that!" but Hands and Mouth double-team to rebel and snarf down that donut.
  • I have lost a lot of sleep trying to compose a song. I already thought of a really cool title: "No Matter What I Do, I'll Always Be Just a Pickup Truck in the Porsche Race of Life to You". Catchy, eh? A local Porsche club held a fund-raising event that allowed any type of vehicle to participate in the time trials. There was actually a pickup truck that competed against all those fast little cars. One day I was really depressed about my lack of athletic abilities; I kept coming in nearly last place in all of my running races. My friend compared me to the driver of that truck - he was never going to beat any of those Porsches, but he was doing the best he could with what he had. So am I.

*(Sorry, Hoss, couldn't resist. Don't hurt me too bad, please)


Blogger Jona said...

Hey, at least you do run! I'd be gasping after five minutes ;o)

3:27 AM  
Blogger Ivy the Goober said...

DID, Jona. Now I ask for a ride to the mailbox :)

3:59 AM  
Blogger Peter said...

Hi ?????, Wow we are impressed,a marathon even.
Who cares how long it took, you finished and all those little 5 & 10 k warm-ups too.
Is it possible, with a subtle skipped step or some such to time that up swing if you see the camera in time?

6:18 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Any publicity is good publicity, just as long as you spell my name right.

Besides that, you in your good health could probably beat me to a pulp. Good stories, Ivy.

9:09 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Great post Ivy. You are quickly becoming my favorite read. shhhh...don't tell Hoss.

Have a great day.

9:27 AM  
Blogger FTS said...

So I guess I need to sit next to Jules if we actually ever have those margaritas. Much obliged for the warning. ;-)

10:14 AM  
Blogger poopie said...

I'm sure you've run farther and faster than I EVER will ;)

10:44 AM  
Blogger se7en said...

LOL, a pickup truck in a Porsche race! Funny!

Anybody that can run more than 30 ft without dieing has my respect!

Now, drop that donut!!! hehe


11:00 AM  
Blogger Marti said...

Wishing everyone on my blogroll a boo-tiful day! LOL!

Happy Halloween!

11:30 AM  
Blogger Trucker Bob said...

I echo Hoss, your posts are a good read. With butt-cheek being mentioned in the last post and boobs in this one, I'm not sure where this is going but I'm hanging around to find out. ;-)

Hey se7en, how you doin' bud?

12:37 PM  
Blogger R. said...

Hello Ivy! You crack me up. I like your perspective on things.

12:37 PM  
Anonymous TSB said...

Good Lord, I can soooo relate to the "upswing" comment, too bad we can't make 'em do that without running LOL

8:56 PM  
Blogger Karlos said...

Hey, at least you ran! I haven't done any running in two years....and have never had the cojones to run in a competition! Keep it up.

Oh, and keep people smiling with your worthy posts!


3:03 AM  
Blogger Dumber said...

OMG Ivy is this something that happens to us at age 40. I am 39 and recently been a running nut. I will run a 10k this weekend as a matter of fact and am thinking of a 1/2 marathon next March when for the unfortunate event of in that same month I will be turning 40.


1:18 PM  
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