October 25, 2005

Armed (with grocery list) and Dangerous

I may have mentioned before that I used to have this very homely looking personal trainer. The following is an old email I dug up that I once sent to a friend relating an experience I had at the grocery store. Central Market at Lovers Lane & Greenville Avenue in Dallas if you're into details (or a stalker trying to collect clues as to where I might be found). The letter describes how excited I was about starting on a new diet that my trainer gave me. He wrote down everything I should eat every night for the upcoming week. See if you can detect hints of how my great enthusiasm eventually turns into an extreme hatred for Central Market, cooking, my trainer, and everyone else in my path. Just to protect his identity I have changed this trainer's name all the way through the post. I think I will call him.... Sexy Trainer Dude. Or... just STD for short, OK?
Dear MM, (<----another name changed to protect the "somewhat innocent") I took the new diet that STD gave me, keyed in all of the ingredients on a word document brilliantly organizing each item under clever headings like "Cheese and Dairy" and "Fruits and Veggies". (I only had to refer to the dictionary twice!) A very impressive grocery list I must say, complete with little boxes instead of bullet points to make checking off each item easy. I headed out to the store, daughter in tow, and list in hand with great enthusiasm. I am going to buy a week's worth of food, and I am going to learn to cook! Just try and stop me! STD's diet reads more like a menu at a fancy restaurant, making my mouth water just reading it. If I were dining out I would have a hard time deciding which entree to try. But I get to eat them ALL, because WOO-HOO - I am going to learn to cook!
I made it through the produce section just fine. They have big signs that I've never noticed before that help identify strange and exotic things - like cucumbers for example. So, section one: CHECK! Got it all, my enthusiasm level is still high!
On to the meat department. I peek over at the salmon and it's just a little too intimidating. So I'll start with the shrimp. That's an easy one because STD's menu tells me specifically what kind to buy. Hmmmm... first nagging doubt: the sign says that the shrimp is already cooked. But that's probably a good thing, right? Maybe I won't poison my family! Ignore the salmon for a minute longer and lets turn around and get chicken. I can do that! Piece of cake, I've bought chicken before. Check! OK, on to the ground sirloin. Ah! Another sign that reads 96%, exactly matching STD's instructions. God love him! Narrowing my choices down to one helps me a great deal. Enthusiasm level is back up. Turn around, Susan Ivy, look at that salmon, you can do it! I start out pretending to be a sophisticated shopper carefully trying to select the best dead fish. All the while thinking, how the hell do you cook salmon, and is that ewwww, scales on one side? Can't I just go out to eat that night? Immediately giving up my sophisticated act (I don't have enough experience to draw from to keep it up for very long) I ask the guy, "what about those pretty little pieces right there?" He tells me they're stuffed with rice and various other things. I didn't hear the rest. I quit listening knowing that eating rice might likely be breaking the 11th commandment or something. I can just see STD's face if I told him I bought that. So I did what any respectable big fat liar would do, I told the guy, "You know, I'm really not in the mood for salmon tonight after all. I'll come back later in the week." Enthusiasm takes a slight downward turn.
Winding my way through the aisles searching for things I've never even heard of like: balsamic vinegar, ciebatta bread, ricotta cheese, tabouli, capers, I was overwhelmed by my choices. My daughter was complaining about the unbelievable amount of time I would spend searching for something. She begged me to just ask someone. I wanted to know "Where are all these Central Market employees that STD says are so attentive they won't let him alone when he shops?" The way he tells it they practically take the things off the shelf and place them in his cart. Why would they waste their time on someone like him who already knows what to buy and where to find it? My daughter asked, "Mother, by any chance are they all WOMEN?" With every item, aisle, and choice I got more and more depressed. Enthusiasm level: rock bottom. I have reached the end of the store and I don't have everything on my list. I have a crappy attitude now, and proclaim my defeat: "I give up. I quit and I'm leaving right now". My daughter tells me that I remind her of the girl on her softball team that only had negative things to say. She is mad at me now, and says things like "Quitters never win." and "You're just going to walk out? Just like that with only half the things for each recipe?" Wise-ass. So I wound my way back through the store almost to the very beginning of it. OK, fine. I'm no STD but by golly, I have money to spend here and I have a mission. I'm going to seek help.
Finally arrive back home at nearly 9:00 p.m. Put away all the groceries and wonder... Can I really cook? Or will all this stuff just rot and stink up my fridge before I actually get around to it?

Love ya, MM!
Signed Susan Ivy

10 Comments:

Blogger FTS said...

So how long did it take to get the smell out of the kitchen...?

9:02 PM  
Anonymous IamMitch said...

Hahaha, STD.

9:07 PM  
Blogger Ivy the Goober said...

yeah, think of the hits I'll get from google on that... ;)

9:26 PM  
Blogger Ivy the Goober said...

why, FTS...! I can't believe you asked that! Of course I cooked every meal to perfection and my kitchen is IMMACULATE... (Mitch, 50 bucks in your account if you don't comment) (Jules, I'll pay off your car if you don't say a word - deal?)

9:52 PM  
Blogger Kira said...

Oh, man, I LOVE Central Market! I wish we had one here, but the South Carolinians too would not know what to do with pate de canard, exotic cheeses, and maple syrup that you have to pour yourself into a plastic container. I only get to visit one when I'm at my sister's house in Ft. Worth.

Of course, going through there with the idea of eating healthy food is quite another thing. Mmmmm fat...

3:32 AM  
Blogger jules said...

My car's already paid off goober...how about cooking me one of those fabulous meals? Oh wait, I've HAD your cooking...I remember that trip to the emergency room all too well!

5:52 AM  
Blogger Peter said...

You may have to start a new b**g Sivy Usan, and not tell your sister about it, too easy for her to rat on you.

6:10 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

You are fast becoming my favorite read. You make me laugh everyday. Thanks!

8:50 AM  
Blogger Dawn said...

What a trip. Love STD !! I always get a good laugh here as well !!

Happy Hump Day !! :)

1:06 PM  
Blogger Ivy the Goober said...

Kira, Yes! Central Market IS cool. And they have a GREAT wine selection!

Jules: again you have it all wrong... you had one too many margaritas at my house. It wasn't my cooking!

Peter, hi, it's me: sIuVsYa!n :) Shall I just post with one? How about just Ivy from now on?

Chris, as long as you're laughing AT me... then I'm cool :)

Dawn, I couldn't think of a better name for the guy than Sexy Trainer Dude. :) ha ha ha....

10:10 PM  

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