May 30, 2012


Why do I have to clean up the dead bird in the house?  And more importantly:  WHERE IS THE REST OF IT? 

May 18, 2012

Why is a rabbit's foot considered lucky? I wonder if the bunny it belonged to would agree.

April 07, 2009

...just because

Every time I see one of those trucks on the road that have big letters CFI painted on the side, it makes me wish I could paint the word "care" behind it.

March 27, 2009


Why can't dogs entertain themselves? Well... at least in a way that I approve of? Sure they can dig in the trash and chew on something for an entertainment, but I do not approve of those things. Why do they follow me around everywhere I go? And why are they so darned optimistic? I can go into the kitchen a hundred times (which I do every day) and they will follow me in there every single time in hopes that I will give them something out of the fridge.

March 06, 2008


I hope this works, I don't know what I'm doing. I swiped my son's camera after Mallory used it this past weekend. She had to interview her grandpa and grandma about WWII for a history project. So I've uploaded videos to YouTube now, can you believe it?

September 09, 2007

Hey, I’m halfway to realizing my dream of becoming an eccentric millionaire. No, I don’t have $500,000.00. I just meant that I’ve got the eccentric part down pat.

September 06, 2007

I'm only trying to help...

I wonder if my neighbors appreciate all the trouble I go through to keep my lawn looking so shabby. I only do this for their benefit. Just being near mine will always make their yards look great.

Well, truthfully, it’s not that much trouble, but it’s the thought that counts.

September 03, 2007

Fair warning. But was there ever any real hope for the victim's escape?

As I passed by the kitchen, I heard Mitch speaking. His tone of voice sounded quite menacing, yet the volume was so low I couldn't quite make out the words.

"What was that, sweetie?" I asked my son to repeat himself.

"I said: 'You're goin' DOWN!'"

"Oh, OK."

(Don't worry, he wasn't talking to me. He was threatening the chocolate cake.)

April 18, 2007

What's Behind Door Number 2

Ok imagine a bathroom with 5 stalls. You're comfortably seated in the first stall minding your own "business" when a woman enters the restroom, goes directly into the second stall, and takes a big poo.

Now it happens that I was the person in that first stall. And I thought to myself, "How rude! If I were her, I would have gone down to the last stall to do that!"

Being the kind of person who likes confirmation that I'm always right, I asked an authority later that evening: "Mallory, If you had to poo at school, and someone was already in the first stall, would you sit RIGHT BY THEM to do that, or go down to a stall as far away as you could?"

She answered that she would, indeed choose the stall inches away from the first occupant.

"WHY?" I asked, horrified – in my best "where did I go wrong in raising you?" tone of voice.

"Because if someone else walked in, they wouldn't know which one of us was taking the poo."

February 16, 2007

Back when I was married, my husband made a rude comment about the scent of my hair. I had just been to the hair salon for my annual haircut. The stylist had used some lovely smelling Aveda shampoo and conditioner. I loved the aroma, and whipped my hair around and remarked at least 150 times about how wonderful it was, "Doesn't it smell good? SMELL it!"

"It smells like dog shampoo", was his reply.

So knowing he didn't like it, I immediately bought a gallon of each: shampoo and conditioner. And made sure to wash my hair with them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Today is the one year anniversary of our divorce, and it just occurred to me to wonder... Did he mean it smelled like dog shampoo BEFORE, or AFTER it touched wet dog fur?

February 07, 2007

Memory Tip

I thought of a great idea for my new camera phone - other than the 32 pictures of the cats that I've already taken. See, I have a really hard time remembering what size home air filter to buy. I always think I can remember, until I actually get to the store and get dizzy from all the choices. Some people might suggest that I write it down. Jotting down the numbers on a scrap of paper is good for one-time use only - assuming I head immediately for the store with it stapled to my shirt. Anyway, I only ever think about buying a new air filter on special occasions - like when I'm totally bored and feel like walking down every aisle of the grocery store or Wal-Mart. So see, that doesn't happen very often. I actually think I'm purty durn smart to come up with this idea. I don't care if someone has already thought of it, I'm still smart, I tell you! Now this would have come in really handy back when I had a husband that was nagged kind enough to run to the store and fetch feminine hygiene products for me. Apparently the choices down that aisle are much more overwhelming than the air filter section!

December 23, 2006

Wonder How This Ended???

Good Lord, Mother!

Put the camera down!

It's 1962, there is no "America's Funniest Videos" - come help me before I pull this down on my head!

December 20, 2006

Don't Fan it MY Way...

Mom? Do cats...? Whew! Never mind! I found out the answer!


December 18, 2006

Scanner Fun Part 2 (OK I'll Stop For Now Before I Get Carried Away)

I don't want to hear any more of this "boys rule, girls drool BS. And stop looking at the TV when I'm talking to you! If you boys want to wake up alive in the morning you will let me in that stupid tent!"


Fun With The Scanner

"Mom, I love the Ghostbuster tape you bought me, I've watched it 14,000 times. So you're telling me that if I suck up all that gray stuff with this Proton Pack I'll catch Slimer?"

"Yeah right, Mom! I think you're blowing smoke up my @$$ - this will never work without the Ecto Goggles!"


December 05, 2006

It's All or Nothin'

Friend: "Remember when you used to have that stretching routine?"

Me: "Oh yeah, I was so faithful and diligent about it! Then suddenly dropped it like I've done everything else my whole life.

Friend: "Well, at least you're consistent."

July 17, 2006

BabyGirl Emailed A Picture To Me From Her Cell Phone

The good news is, I really like my daughter's new hair color. The bad news is, I am not 100% sure that is her. That does look like the inside of my car, so the best news is that she had her seatbelt on.

July 15, 2006

My friends and I were all up late one night sharing childbirth horror stories with the youngest woman in our group. Well, heck she was expecting her first baby; I think that is an open invitation to discuss episiotomies and fourteen day labors. But I got what I deserved. I went to bed thinking of epidurals, woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't feel anything from my waist down.

July 12, 2006

Growing up Ivy

I wasn't a very good babysitter as a teenager. Oh, I wasn't terrible, I mean I didn't eat up all the food, or have a boyfriend (snort, ha ha!) over, or spend the whole night on the phone. No, my biggest problem was my inability to stay awake if the kids weren't. One father while driving me home late at night asked me if I had fallen asleep. This was back before hidden cameras were common, so I was pretty sure he couldn't prove it. But something told me I'd better tell the truth and I did. Then he said, “I was just wondering because you have an imprint of the TV Guide on your face”.

July 10, 2006

Overheard On The Elevator:

"Hey, maybe I'll win the lottery and I can take a trip to Europe."

"Aaacckkk! Why in the world would anyone want to go to Europe? I'd much rather go to Italy!"

July 09, 2006

Puzzling Observation

I was sitting on the bus, headed to work, busy with my Penny Press Variety puzzle book. I love the laddergrams and the anacrostics, but was busy at the time working on some good old cryptograms.

When the bus arrived downtown, the lady sitting next to me said, "Excuse me...." It was fairly obvious that she was impressed with my great intelligence and was very likely about to ask me how in the world I could do those puzzles so fast, and in pen!!!

And then she continued: "I thought you should know that your shirt is inside-out."

July 03, 2006

First I Was Afraid; I Was Petrified; Kept Thinking I Could Never Live if You Said, "Let Me Drive"....

Current on life insurance policy - CHECK
Current on car insurance premiums - CHECK
Passenger side airbag activated - CHECK
Wearing clean underwear - CHECK

OK, I'm ready to start teaching my daughter to drive.

May 27, 2006

Happy Birthday!

To my darling daughter Mallory, who is now 15; and to my friend Peter, who is a tad older than Mallory.

May 13, 2006

Where Has All My Money Gone? It Ran Away With My Memory

My billfold has this strange Bermuda Triangle-like phenomenon going on. For example, sometimes I might go to pay for something and then ask myself, "Where's that 10 dollar bill that was in here?" After applying intense interrogation methods to determine the guilty party (I grill each of the usual suspects one by one: my son, my daughter, then the dog) - I try to recall every item I have purchased since the money was last seen. This is no easy task. When I start recalling different events, I keep distracting myself, interrupting myself, and just generally getting so sidetracked in my thoughts that I don't even remember what I was trying to bring to mind. But really, I guess that’s a whole other story…

May 05, 2006

You Can Make Your Son Help Remodel The Bathroom, But You Can't Prevent Him From Mocking Your Attempts To Document The Progress With A Camera

May 04, 2006

Hey, 14

I wonder if other people have a favorite substitute number that they use, like I do, for situations where the real number is not known, or is just not important. Mine is 14. Not necessarily my favorite number in the world (that’s number 8), but it’s my catch-all, works in every situation number. For example, I may say that I tried to call you fourteen times last night. The number can change depending on the degree of the exaggeration, like I may say that the water bill was fourteen hundred dollars this month, or that I have asked the kids to pick up their wet towels fourteen thousand times, or that I've consumed fourteen billion calories today. But in order for it to qualify as a favorite substitute number, the base number has to always stay the same.

April 26, 2006

TV Commercials That Get on My Nerves

The Citibank commercial where the guy won't even bother to hang up the phone when his food is catches on fire. He tries to move the burning pan off the stove with a broom. What a dork. Get a cordless phone or hang up, doofus. (but I do like the commercial where the guy is on the train and has to repeat his password: "BIG BOY" louder)

Lamisil. When that cartoon creature "Digger" (pictured above) crawls under the big toenail, I get up and leave the room.

The commercial where they try to get you to call in for a great brochure to go to a school that teaches you how to make great brochures... a wonderful new career. Then they introduce the operator who will take your calls. If it's such a great career, why isn't she doing it, instead of answering the phone?

And finally, any commercial that has the words "ask your doctor about..." without giving me a hint of what it's for.

April 19, 2006

Slurpee or Icee

OK, the other day I passed by Mrs. Field's and ordered an Icee. How long have they been selling Icees? I have no clue. But one day I was passing by there and I heard some teenage girls squeal, "Icees!". (I had never noticed.) So of course it stuck in my mind and eventually I had to buy one. It brought back great childhood memories. But now I can't remember which one it was that I used to get as a kid: Slurpee, or Icee? I remember walking down the road with my sister and we would buy one and drink it on the way home. One day we drank ours, PLUS the one that was meant for our baby brother. Hey - better to drink it and bring him NOTHING than bring him home one that was sadly melted...

It's just bugging me to know which one I got as a kid. I'm 44 years old now, that was when I lived in Louisiana, so the oldest I could have been was 8 because we moved from there after my second grade year. I guess I could research them both and see which product has been around as long as dirt... er.... I mean me. I also could just say "screw it, who cares which one it was?" - but that's just not my style.

March 27, 2006

It's Not Even My Birthday!

Look what my DF (dear friend) got me, "just because!"

This should keep me occupied for a long time.

March 25, 2006

I Met "aka Monty"!

I met Monty, the famous blogger from The Daily Bitch! And I even got her autograph! Well, technically, I stole her driver's license from her purse while she was in the restroom, but hey - it has her signature on it! And it would have come in real handy if I'd been pulled over on the way home.

Sure was a fun night, and don't believe a word
Jules says about it!

OK, I'm off to bed. I know, I'm a lightweight, but I had to get home and get to sleep.

March 24, 2006

Before and After

My $20 garage-sale find. My $20 billion vacation project.